4. Hazy Eyed Gwen Stefani Pompadour

I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it.  I decided to go against my better judgment.  My company is young and fresh out of college.  I’m the oldest in my department.  It’s really nice being managed by a woman four years my junior.  (Do you detect the sarcasm?)  Last year the wine spilled all night.  That resulted in a human pyramid of interns in the middle of the dance floorhuman-pyramid and colleagues necking each other on swanky velvet couches.  Despite his slurred speech the CEO demanded that we quiet down so he could deliver his speech.  We all obliged him.  We may be a young company but we know when to draw the line.  After the conclusion of his2006 Billboard Music Awards - Red Carpet series of digressions the DJ picked up like he never left off.  The COO (she might be about my age or maybe a little older) started dropping it like it’s hot and mashing her a$$ into the crotch of The Golden Director.  We call The Director of Technology golden because it seems like his most evil and heinous actions are received with praise.  That night he was wearing pink stilettos and looked like Gwen Stefani with his blonde pompadour.

A year later and it looks like the scene is shaping up mostly the same.  I made my way to the bar five minutes after I collected my ticket from coat check.  My husband was working his late shift so I had come alone.  I exhaled a sigh of relief upon the bartender’s confirmation that she would be around until at least eleven that night.  This year the powers that be decided to make the dance competition official.  Golden Director sashayed across the dance floor inspired by crowd hype.  A cafeteria worker gave The Golden Director some competition.  She followed Nelly’s directions with skill.  Her knees didn’t tire as she dropped down, got her eagle on, and spread her wings.  eagle onShe waved away those that tried to alert her to her peeking thong strings, and to the fact that she was gyrating her pelvis at a company event.  The CEO stood on the sidelines clapping on the wrong beats.  When it was done the CEO spared the speech and instead gave The Golden Director a first place medal, a salsa dancing office manager second place, and the cafeteria working gyrator third place.

I found my friend Mike collecting a shrimp from a cater waiter.  I gave him and his girlfriend a long hug.  Ok.  So here is the background.  Mike is a rising star in our profession.  He used to work at my company, and helped me get my current position.  He has since moved on to greener pastures.  His girlfriend, ex-fiancé, and I still work together at the same company – you do the math.  Well…all four of us were in attendance that night.  All of that background was tedious, but necessary.  You’ll understand why in a moment.  Two drinks in I introduced new girlfriend with ex-fiancé’s name.  After, I froze like a chameleon blending in with tree bark.  My eyes grew wide.  oopsI was buzzed enough to believe that she didn’t hear the mistake.  In a whisper only the drunk doesn’t realize is really loud I leaned towards Mike and let him know I f#cked up, and was sorry.  He tried to find his composure in several gulps of beer.  New girlfriend used co-workers as lily pads to leap from one conversation to another away from the disaster area I had created.  I was a little hazy, but got the message.  I downed one more glass of red wine before I ran out of the party.  It was about 9:15.  My husband called my cell and let me know that Mike had called him spewing profanities about my mistake.  I held the tears at bay until I got into my car…TO BE CONTINUED

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