Does it have teeth? You would think it does since I avoid going to the gynecologist like the plague. Recently, I have tried to be an adult (if only for a little while.) I am starting new employment in June. Unsure about the benefits at my new downscaled job I figure I should tie up all of my loose medical ends. The first problem takes place as soon as I get to the receptionists’ desk. Why do I have to tell you why I need to see the doctor? How specific do you want me to be. Do you want me to say that my hoo ha itches loud enough so that the whole waiting room can hear? Are you trying to embarrass the shit out of me? Next I have to tell at least three people my issue before provided with the medical care I need. Why can’t you just ask the last person I told? Before it’s over I have said, “My hoo ha itches” at least three times. Now I am naked wearing a giant napkin. There is no television in this cramped room. Where are you doctor and why are you taking so long? Yeah, I was snoring sound asleep and naked on your medical table when you finally decided to slap the blue gloves on and tend to me. I don’t even care. I’m embarrassed for you, not me! Rub some jelly on that plastic contraption that looks like duck bills and let’s get this over with!
Pills or shot to get rid of the stigatonoppynosis or whatever problem the doctor found. Give me the shot so that my treatment can be quick. How many times are my cheeks going to flush with red in this doctor’s office today? Seeking to avoid the usual thong string that punishes me every time I fail to do laundry, I went commando. Makes sense right? I wasn’t going on a date. Stripping down to my birthday suit wasn’t going to be some titillating foreplay. Why not skip a step at the gyno’s? Good idea, except now I’ve got to explain to the nurse that I have nothing on under my hippy skirt. When I chose the shot I assumed it would be in my arm.
The bottom of my jaw escaped the cool demeanor I was faking when the nurse casually said, “Gluteus.”
“Maximus?” I followed up rising an octive with every syllable.
Jeez. The hoo ha doctor never fails to be a pain in the ass.