Filed under Humor

37.  Swedish Furniture

37. Swedish Furniture

I am such a poser.  My townhouse is lined with damaged Swedish furniture like the Ikea showroom.  I must not really hate Ikea.  I had a twinge of regret, however, when I rolled into the Ikea parking lot.  Why had I done this to myself?  All the girl had done was invite me to her house-warming party.  Why … Continue reading

36.  Nerd Lust

36. Nerd Lust

It’s  amazing to me how much I’ve changed since I’ve been sober.  The activities that used to be super exciting currently lull me to boredom.  The other day I went to an office mandated happy hour at what used to be my favorite restaurant.  I know the hostess, bartenders, and wait staff by first name.  … Continue reading

35. Sharp, Jagged Stirrup Teeth

35. Sharp, Jagged Stirrup Teeth

Does it have teeth?  You would think it does since I avoid going to the gynecologist like the plague.  Recently, I have tried to be an adult (if only for a little while.)  I am starting new employment in June.  Unsure about the benefits at my new downscaled job I figure I should tie up … Continue reading

I hadn’t been to church since I was a young child.  I wasn’t thrilled when my colleague Jillian invited me to go but I figured well…why not.  It should be interesting.  I knew I was starting off on shaky feet when I looked in my closet that Sunday morning.  Panning my eyes to the left … Continue reading

31. Rubbing Buttered Fingers

31. Rubbing Buttered Fingers

I am proud alumna of Rutgers University. Nestled in Americas armpit is an oasis of intellect and greatness. I know. I was there. What we lack, even in a town as great as New Brunswick (raise the roof for New Brunswick!), is anything remotely interesting to do. Besides the occasional Greek sponsored party there is … Continue reading

30.  Back to Basics

30. Back to Basics

I would rise from sleep at about 9 AM every Saturday morning with eyes as wide as saucers.  I was already running out of time.  I had to sneak around in the basement to get my tights, leotard, and tutu clean.  I would wash and dry 3 items alone, a tremendous waste of water and … Continue reading

29. Blingin’ Disheveled Zombie

29. Blingin’ Disheveled Zombie

I screamed when I saw the emailed offer letter.  I was willing to do anything.  I would scoop monkey poop if I had to.  No matter what, never again would I cross that familiar threshold, like I had every morning for the past three years. It was time for a new job, even if I had … Continue reading

28. Glutton for Punishment

28. Glutton for Punishment

I admit it!  I totally cheated.  I went to the same place twice.  I don’t know if I stated it or not, but I try not to repeat any of the 100.  I just couldn’t help it.  You would think that it’s easy to work at a job that you know you’re going to leave … Continue reading

27. Involuntary Vomit

27. Involuntary Vomit

First thing’s first. I’ve got to get this off my chest. Good grief! The gym is truly a sexy place. I had no idea. I guess I knew on some level because sitcoms allude to the sexual energy in the gym. I’m not a gym person so I didn’t really understand how treadmills, heavy weights, … Continue reading

26.  I Hate Traveling!

26. I Hate Traveling!

I really do hate it.  I don’t understand why people include traveling as a plus in online dating bois and “witty” cocktail conversations.  Traveling sucks! Once upon I time, when I was trying to fit into Carrie Bradshaw’s shoes, I went to Japan.  I was so convinced that in order to be just like Carrie I … Continue reading

25. Seeking Goof, Lewd, and Beauty

25. Seeking Goof, Lewd, and Beauty

One of the first times I visited the Smithsonian Art Museum I saw this painting by Alexis Rockman.  I fell in love with it.  I had to stop myself from tripping over the wire protecting it from people like me who mean well, but end up gawking for so long we fall into a trance.  … Continue reading

24. Capitulating to Archaism

24. Capitulating to Archaism

I’m embarking on a new lifestyle.  Done with capitalism.  Moving to a farm to live on the land.  Becoming one with earth and soil.  Hugging trees.  Good bye iPhone, computer, Kindle, and cable television…All of this is b*llsh#t speak for I’m broke now.  I haven’t felt the full effect of my new brokedom because technically, … Continue reading

I’m not pregnant.  I’m just fat.

I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat.

I cackled like a lunatic in the company cafeteria.  It was common of me whenever I dined with the ever so fabulous Ken.  As he told me the latest calamity he used theatrical nuances, and tousled small bits of frosted war hawk with manicured, polished fingertips.  He tried to keep it as masculine as possible, in … Continue reading

22. Elephant Dung

22. Elephant Dung

Have you ever been forced to participate in one of those painful icebreakers?  You know, the kind that finds you babbling about why you would be reincarnated as a certain animal.  I always say cheetah, panther, or lioness.  I am so full of it. During my zoo trip all of the cats were so boring.  They wrapped … Continue reading

20. Soothing Short Bus Panic

20. Soothing Short Bus Panic

Years ago, when I was a teacher, my class was divided into reading groups.  When I met with the lowest reading group we read a version of Jack and Jill.  I followed up with comprehension questions.  I asked why Jill followed Jack and tumbled down the hill.  The girl laying on the table letting drool escape from her … Continue reading

19. Illuminated Chihuahua Trauma

19. Illuminated Chihuahua Trauma

I wish I was smiling like this woman when the doctor handed me this light crushing film to affix to my face. I looked back up at her and she gave me the what-did-you-expect look. I wasn’t expecting Versace shades, but sheesh. How could I walk down the street wearing these? I may have been … Continue reading