Tagged with alcoholism

31. Rubbing Buttered Fingers

31. Rubbing Buttered Fingers

I am proud alumna of Rutgers University. Nestled in Americas armpit is an oasis of intellect and greatness. I know. I was there. What we lack, even in a town as great as New Brunswick (raise the roof for New Brunswick!), is anything remotely interesting to do. Besides the occasional Greek sponsored party there is … Continue reading

I’m not pregnant.  I’m just fat.

I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat.

I cackled like a lunatic in the company cafeteria.  It was common of me whenever I dined with the ever so fabulous Ken.  As he told me the latest calamity he used theatrical nuances, and tousled small bits of frosted war hawk with manicured, polished fingertips.  He tried to keep it as masculine as possible, in … Continue reading

Horror Story

Horror Story

The black cocktail dress was cliché but appropriate.  Dena thumbed the pearls fastened around her neck as she sighed, and looked towards the full length mirror.  She didn’t want to go but forced herself to oblige her husband.  She met him at the venue since he was coming directly from the hospital. Words the doctor slung … Continue reading

100 Places on 100 Cents

100 Places on 100 Cents

Metro ride: $3.98 Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial visit: $0 Living in a city that affords me the opportunities to carry out goals beyond vibrators, wine & television: PRICELESS I have decided to double back.  I’m starting a brand new career path, or should I say, tax bracket.  I am recent-graduate-out-of-college broke.  While I am … Continue reading

18.5 Me and Mr. Thomasville

18.5 Me and Mr. Thomasville

I’m having an affair.  It’s been going on for a while.  Since I quit drinking is has gotten serious.  It was a blah Wednesday evening. Rain pelted and exploded on my windshield attempting to slow me down.  I mashed the gas with my stilettoed heel.  Minivans and Priuses swerved out of my way as if they … Continue reading

Catfish & Cod

Catfish & Cod

They used to tank cod from Alaska all the way to China. They’d keep them in vats in the ship. By the time the codfish reached China, the flesh was mush and tasteless. So this guy came up with the idea that if you put these cods in these big vats, put some catfish in … Continue reading

16. Izze Anna Chicken

16. Izze Anna Chicken

At one of my favorite pasta chains I looked through the window and saw this sign. Ok, ok, I get it.  How ironic is it that I didn’t get it six months ago when I stumbled home after my pasta bowl and usual three glasses of wine.  Later, I lost my dinner in the toilet.  … Continue reading

I need a F#*$ing Drink

I need a F#*$ing Drink

I had few minutes in-between sliding file folders from the left to right side of my desk.  I let the handset lay limply between my ear and shoulder.  I was barely paying attention to the phone call as I sloppily attempted to multitask.  Somehow I was able to respond to the prompts.  The automated lady … Continue reading

ProSEXtination

ProSEXtination

Bow chicka wow ow! Two to three times a year my job gets so overwhelming that I have no choice but to work on the weekend – A top ten Anna no no. Here is what proSEXtination used to look like: By Friday, I would stock up red wine and drink half of it.  Before my … Continue reading

Addicted

Addicted

My husband looked over my shoulder as I typed incessantly. “How many short stories are you going to write? You’re like Tupac.” What? Tupac? How does a country music fanatic like my husband know anything about Tupac? My husband is also a documentary nut. He watches anything as long as it’s documentary style. According to … Continue reading

14. Yellow Puddles

14. Yellow Puddles

When I was five years old I endured weekly Saturday ballet classes.  I begged my father to let me quit.  I was dying to play outside with the other neighborhood kids on Saturday mornings.  He refused.  After some months it was time for my first recital.  My family descended from all 5 New York boroughs … Continue reading

Monster Under the Sink

Monster Under the Sink

I was delighted by the smell of bleach.  Bathrooms.  Check!  Newspaper trick my husband taught me plus Windex equals a streak free mirror.  I’ve got the foyer smelling like pine. Only one thing left.  The stove top could benefit from some Lysol.  Just a short reach under the kitchen sink and I’ll be done cleaning for … Continue reading

Pasta Paired with…Odwalla?

Pasta Paired with…Odwalla?

When my friend asked me to join her for dinner my eyes widened a little bit. The thing is – it had been a year since I stepped foot in the place. Back then I was a regular. I knew all of the line cooks and of course – the bartender. The bartender and I … Continue reading

Hosting Eccentric Chili Pepper

Hosting Eccentric Chili Pepper

We were intoxicated New Yorkers.  Washingtonians weren’t ready for us.  How dare you stand so close while we use the ATM machine?  You got the grand scale cuss out you deserved.  So what if the four letter words were slurred? This is one of my most notorious memories of Ellie.  She called and needs a place … Continue reading

8. Beaming Overdrawn Disgust

8. Beaming Overdrawn Disgust

The salesgirl, all of eighteen years old, rushed over to me after I started taking pictures of the paint samples. “You really can’t judge a paint sample with a cell phone picture.” I was feeling like she banned me from the paint aisle with her correction. I put down the paint sample slowly, and made … Continue reading

6. Dashing Through Red Ribbons

6. Dashing Through Red Ribbons

So…I’m not one to brag but I used to be a track star.  When I ran I was in a zone.  That zone propelled me past my competitors on light feet.  After the first 300 meters I really hit my stride and glided down the last straightaway.  The form and coolness in my clenching muscles … Continue reading

Initiation Into The Misfits

Initiation Into The Misfits

I went to the doctor early on the Sunday morning after the holiday party.  I was waiting for my prescription to be filled when I decided to take myself out to breakfast.  Under the surface I was still feeling bad about what took place at the holiday party.  Mike wasn’t returning my calls.  I swallowed … Continue reading

5. Candy, Beady Eyes and Me

5. Candy, Beady Eyes and Me

My first AA meeting was in a stale smelling room with a scattering of about fifteen people.  Samantha pushed me to go after I told her what happened at the holiday party.  On Friday she reminded me about the meeting in her Mr. Rogers tone, “Anna, what time is the meeting today?” I wondered if she … Continue reading

4. Hazy Eyed Gwen Stefani Pompadour

4. Hazy Eyed Gwen Stefani Pompadour

I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it.  I decided to go against my better judgment.  My company is young and fresh out of college.  I’m the oldest in my department.  It’s really nice being managed by a woman four years my junior.  (Do you detect the sarcasm?)  Last year the wine spilled all night.  That … Continue reading