37.  Swedish Furniture

37. Swedish Furniture

I am such a poser.  My townhouse is lined with damaged Swedish furniture like the Ikea showroom.  I must not really hate Ikea.  I had a twinge of regret, however, when I rolled into the Ikea parking lot.  Why had I done this to myself?  All the girl had done was invite me to her house-warming party.  Why … Continue reading

36.  Nerd Lust

36. Nerd Lust

It’s  amazing to me how much I’ve changed since I’ve been sober.  The activities that used to be super exciting currently lull me to boredom.  The other day I went to an office mandated happy hour at what used to be my favorite restaurant.  I know the hostess, bartenders, and wait staff by first name.  … Continue reading

35. Sharp, Jagged Stirrup Teeth

35. Sharp, Jagged Stirrup Teeth

Does it have teeth?  You would think it does since I avoid going to the gynecologist like the plague.  Recently, I have tried to be an adult (if only for a little while.)  I am starting new employment in June.  Unsure about the benefits at my new downscaled job I figure I should tie up … Continue reading

I hadn’t been to church since I was a young child.  I wasn’t thrilled when my colleague Jillian invited me to go but I figured well…why not.  It should be interesting.  I knew I was starting off on shaky feet when I looked in my closet that Sunday morning.  Panning my eyes to the left … Continue reading

31. Rubbing Buttered Fingers

31. Rubbing Buttered Fingers

I am proud alumna of Rutgers University. Nestled in Americas armpit is an oasis of intellect and greatness. I know. I was there. What we lack, even in a town as great as New Brunswick (raise the roof for New Brunswick!), is anything remotely interesting to do. Besides the occasional Greek sponsored party there is … Continue reading

30.  Back to Basics

30. Back to Basics

I would rise from sleep at about 9 AM every Saturday morning with eyes as wide as saucers.  I was already running out of time.  I had to sneak around in the basement to get my tights, leotard, and tutu clean.  I would wash and dry 3 items alone, a tremendous waste of water and … Continue reading

29. Blingin’ Disheveled Zombie

29. Blingin’ Disheveled Zombie

I screamed when I saw the emailed offer letter.  I was willing to do anything.  I would scoop monkey poop if I had to.  No matter what, never again would I cross that familiar threshold, like I had every morning for the past three years. It was time for a new job, even if I had … Continue reading

28. Glutton for Punishment

28. Glutton for Punishment

I admit it!  I totally cheated.  I went to the same place twice.  I don’t know if I stated it or not, but I try not to repeat any of the 100.  I just couldn’t help it.  You would think that it’s easy to work at a job that you know you’re going to leave … Continue reading

27. Involuntary Vomit

27. Involuntary Vomit

First thing’s first. I’ve got to get this off my chest. Good grief! The gym is truly a sexy place. I had no idea. I guess I knew on some level because sitcoms allude to the sexual energy in the gym. I’m not a gym person so I didn’t really understand how treadmills, heavy weights, … Continue reading

26.  I Hate Traveling!

26. I Hate Traveling!

I really do hate it.  I don’t understand why people include traveling as a plus in online dating bois and “witty” cocktail conversations.  Traveling sucks! Once upon I time, when I was trying to fit into Carrie Bradshaw’s shoes, I went to Japan.  I was so convinced that in order to be just like Carrie I … Continue reading

25. Seeking Goof, Lewd, and Beauty

25. Seeking Goof, Lewd, and Beauty

One of the first times I visited the Smithsonian Art Museum I saw this painting by Alexis Rockman.  I fell in love with it.  I had to stop myself from tripping over the wire protecting it from people like me who mean well, but end up gawking for so long we fall into a trance.  … Continue reading

24. Capitulating to Archaism

24. Capitulating to Archaism

I’m embarking on a new lifestyle.  Done with capitalism.  Moving to a farm to live on the land.  Becoming one with earth and soil.  Hugging trees.  Good bye iPhone, computer, Kindle, and cable television…All of this is b*llsh#t speak for I’m broke now.  I haven’t felt the full effect of my new brokedom because technically, … Continue reading

I’m not pregnant.  I’m just fat.

I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat.

I cackled like a lunatic in the company cafeteria.  It was common of me whenever I dined with the ever so fabulous Ken.  As he told me the latest calamity he used theatrical nuances, and tousled small bits of frosted war hawk with manicured, polished fingertips.  He tried to keep it as masculine as possible, in … Continue reading

Horror Story

Horror Story

The black cocktail dress was cliché but appropriate.  Dena thumbed the pearls fastened around her neck as she sighed, and looked towards the full length mirror.  She didn’t want to go but forced herself to oblige her husband.  She met him at the venue since he was coming directly from the hospital. Words the doctor slung … Continue reading

100 Places on 100 Cents

100 Places on 100 Cents

Metro ride: $3.98 Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial visit: $0 Living in a city that affords me the opportunities to carry out goals beyond vibrators, wine & television: PRICELESS I have decided to double back.  I’m starting a brand new career path, or should I say, tax bracket.  I am recent-graduate-out-of-college broke.  While I am … Continue reading

22. Elephant Dung

22. Elephant Dung

Have you ever been forced to participate in one of those painful icebreakers?  You know, the kind that finds you babbling about why you would be reincarnated as a certain animal.  I always say cheetah, panther, or lioness.  I am so full of it. During my zoo trip all of the cats were so boring.  They wrapped … Continue reading

21. Poor Little Spoiled Girl

21. Poor Little Spoiled Girl

Standing at the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial I am reminded of humility.  I have been moping around like some poor little spoiled girl.  I know that life experiences are relative.  I can’t excuse, however, the way I have been pouting. It is not as if I’m a protester fighting vicious dogs turned on me … Continue reading

20. Soothing Short Bus Panic

20. Soothing Short Bus Panic

Years ago, when I was a teacher, my class was divided into reading groups.  When I met with the lowest reading group we read a version of Jack and Jill.  I followed up with comprehension questions.  I asked why Jill followed Jack and tumbled down the hill.  The girl laying on the table letting drool escape from her … Continue reading

19. Illuminated Chihuahua Trauma

19. Illuminated Chihuahua Trauma

I wish I was smiling like this woman when the doctor handed me this light crushing film to affix to my face. I looked back up at her and she gave me the what-did-you-expect look. I wasn’t expecting Versace shades, but sheesh. How could I walk down the street wearing these? I may have been … Continue reading

18.5 Me and Mr. Thomasville

18.5 Me and Mr. Thomasville

I’m having an affair.  It’s been going on for a while.  Since I quit drinking is has gotten serious.  It was a blah Wednesday evening. Rain pelted and exploded on my windshield attempting to slow me down.  I mashed the gas with my stilettoed heel.  Minivans and Priuses swerved out of my way as if they … Continue reading

18. Epic Proportions

18. Epic Proportions

This was such an epic fail that it took me two weeks to write about it . I had a couple of options.  The first stripped Super Bowl down to a Beyonce concert.  My husband imagined my friends and I swinging pillows at each other, dressed in pink printed flannel pajamas.  According to him, we … Continue reading

Catfish & Cod

Catfish & Cod

They used to tank cod from Alaska all the way to China. They’d keep them in vats in the ship. By the time the codfish reached China, the flesh was mush and tasteless. So this guy came up with the idea that if you put these cods in these big vats, put some catfish in … Continue reading

Sick & Sexy

Sick & Sexy

It was Saturday morning.  As I came out of sleep I felt adjusted and rested.  I blinked my eyes slowly until the red glare receded into three zeros preceded by one.  WTF!  How could it be 10 AM already?  I barely make it to 8 AM most weekends without my eyes automatically popping open.  If … Continue reading

C’est la vie

C’est la vie

I was late to the meeting. I told her that I needed five more minutes to wrap up a report I was working on. She smiled and obliged me. Of course she let me take my time. She smiled patiently as I got comfortable in the leather seat opposite her at the conference table. It … Continue reading

16. Izze Anna Chicken

16. Izze Anna Chicken

At one of my favorite pasta chains I looked through the window and saw this sign. Ok, ok, I get it.  How ironic is it that I didn’t get it six months ago when I stumbled home after my pasta bowl and usual three glasses of wine.  Later, I lost my dinner in the toilet.  … Continue reading

What Came First – The Wino or the Job?

What Came First – The Wino or the Job?

Many responded in different ways to the battering ram wearing on the hinges of the front double doors. Some started dumping mounds of paper into gigantic paper shredders. Others started to click away furiously on computer keyboards. With every keystroke evidence slipped away like sand. One woman started crying. I looked through the frosted window … Continue reading

15.  Dodging Va Jay Jay

15. Dodging Va Jay Jay

My husband has long fingers and strong hands.  They are perfect for kneading tension out of shoulders. Despite the perfect niche for his hands he leaves me whining like a baby for the smallest bit of attention to my back. I decided to take matters into my own hands.  (Not literally :-) I have tried to massage myself … Continue reading

I need a F#*$ing Drink

I need a F#*$ing Drink

I had few minutes in-between sliding file folders from the left to right side of my desk.  I let the handset lay limply between my ear and shoulder.  I was barely paying attention to the phone call as I sloppily attempted to multitask.  Somehow I was able to respond to the prompts.  The automated lady … Continue reading

ProSEXtination

ProSEXtination

Bow chicka wow ow! Two to three times a year my job gets so overwhelming that I have no choice but to work on the weekend – A top ten Anna no no. Here is what proSEXtination used to look like: By Friday, I would stock up red wine and drink half of it.  Before my … Continue reading

Addicted

Addicted

My husband looked over my shoulder as I typed incessantly. “How many short stories are you going to write? You’re like Tupac.” What? Tupac? How does a country music fanatic like my husband know anything about Tupac? My husband is also a documentary nut. He watches anything as long as it’s documentary style. According to … Continue reading

Hump Day Lube

Hump Day Lube

I was glad that the roads were precipitation free as I barreled down Pennsylvania Avenue. The last thing I needed was to hit a patch of black ice the first night winter descended on Washington DC. Jiffy Lube closed at 7.  It was 6:45. After sliding past many yellow lights I promptly made it there by … Continue reading

14. Yellow Puddles

14. Yellow Puddles

When I was five years old I endured weekly Saturday ballet classes.  I begged my father to let me quit.  I was dying to play outside with the other neighborhood kids on Saturday mornings.  He refused.  After some months it was time for my first recital.  My family descended from all 5 New York boroughs … Continue reading

Monster Under the Sink

Monster Under the Sink

I was delighted by the smell of bleach.  Bathrooms.  Check!  Newspaper trick my husband taught me plus Windex equals a streak free mirror.  I’ve got the foyer smelling like pine. Only one thing left.  The stove top could benefit from some Lysol.  Just a short reach under the kitchen sink and I’ll be done cleaning for … Continue reading

Pasta Paired with…Odwalla?

Pasta Paired with…Odwalla?

When my friend asked me to join her for dinner my eyes widened a little bit. The thing is – it had been a year since I stepped foot in the place. Back then I was a regular. I knew all of the line cooks and of course – the bartender. The bartender and I … Continue reading

Trashing Cracks

Trashing Cracks

I was jogging this morning when I had an epiphany. I hate using the word epiphany. I think it’s a bit dramatic. I had a thought this morning. This is the first time I have ever felt adjusted to adulthood. It has been 12 years (since I graduated college). Later, I looked towards this cup … Continue reading

12. VIP

12. VIP

My dear Ellie.  I know you are a hot shot professor, drive a convertible, and consider yourself VIP wherever you go.  However, your orange ticket doesn’t mean you should wear a ball gown to the inauguration.  Hundreds of people got the same entrance ticket to stand a mile away from the president’s podium.  Ellie sweetie, … Continue reading

Hosting Eccentric Chili Pepper

Hosting Eccentric Chili Pepper

We were intoxicated New Yorkers.  Washingtonians weren’t ready for us.  How dare you stand so close while we use the ATM machine?  You got the grand scale cuss out you deserved.  So what if the four letter words were slurred? This is one of my most notorious memories of Ellie.  She called and needs a place … Continue reading

10. Jerry Maguire Style

10. Jerry Maguire Style

My eyes shrunk back into their sockets to the size of slits.  I tried to sit up straight.  I stretched my spine from tip to tip.  Surely, a succession of zzzzzs were going to escape from my mouth like some kind of garish cartoon, before my forehead hit the conference table.  I didn’t want to … Continue reading

8. Beaming Overdrawn Disgust

8. Beaming Overdrawn Disgust

The salesgirl, all of eighteen years old, rushed over to me after I started taking pictures of the paint samples. “You really can’t judge a paint sample with a cell phone picture.” I was feeling like she banned me from the paint aisle with her correction. I put down the paint sample slowly, and made … Continue reading

7.  Spikes & Meat?

7. Spikes & Meat?

I tried to draw myself a little reminder.  The exhibit leaves the National Museum of Women in the Arts on January 6th, I believe.  So I drew myself a little picture so that I would not miss it.  It was a little sketch on a post-it note by my nightstand.  It was supposed to be … Continue reading

6. Dashing Through Red Ribbons

6. Dashing Through Red Ribbons

So…I’m not one to brag but I used to be a track star.  When I ran I was in a zone.  That zone propelled me past my competitors on light feet.  After the first 300 meters I really hit my stride and glided down the last straightaway.  The form and coolness in my clenching muscles … Continue reading

Initiation Into The Misfits

Initiation Into The Misfits

I went to the doctor early on the Sunday morning after the holiday party.  I was waiting for my prescription to be filled when I decided to take myself out to breakfast.  Under the surface I was still feeling bad about what took place at the holiday party.  Mike wasn’t returning my calls.  I swallowed … Continue reading